| Ask Mom: How do you Tame the Tantrums? | | Posted on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 10:29pm |
(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)
Yesterday I went shopping at Toys R’ Us ™ for my grand-kiddos. The store manager assisted me to the car—it wasn’t that I bought too much and couldn't carry it all  ; the portable crib was heavy, okay? A little girl, probably about four years-old, was screaming and kicking as her father calmly led her to their car. The manager said, “That’s about how 90% of the kids leave our store.”
Ouch! Since last week we talked about whining, I thought this incident offered a perfect lead to discuss TANTRUMS! Young moms often ask me, “How can I keep my toddler from throwing a tantrum?”
Let’s face it, tantrums are part of life. Let me tell you a little secret, it’s not just toddlers who throw fits. Children of all ages have tantrums now and then. Teens sometimes slam doors and yell, “I hate you!” I have to confess, I’ve been known to go into a PM tirade myself from time-to-time. So how can we help our children to control their emotions, so as they mature, they can tame the tantrums? Here are some ideas:
- Determine the cause. Toddlers, (18 months to 2 years) cannot express that they are tired, hungry, irritated, or any other feelings, so they tend to throw fits. A preschooler can developmentally communicate his feelings, but may still have tantrums—especially if you gave into his toddler tantrums. Fits of rage and frustration become more complicated and have deeper meaning as children grow older. A spiritual mom will rely on God for wisdom. Is your child dealing with school issues, jealousy, or peer pressure? During a calm time, ask questions to draw out your child’s emotions.
- Don’t give in. He may hungry, but throwing a fit is not the way to communicate that fact. Turn away from your fit-thrower. If he doesn’t gain your attention, he will stop. Show him your endurance is longer than his. Stand your ground, even if you feel embarrassed in public or uncomfortable that others are annoyed. And by all means, do not give in, once you say no to something your child wants.
- Decide the best action. Once you’ve determined the cause, you can decide how to intervene. There are the occasions when ignoring isn’t the best solution. For instance, if a child is frustrated, then ease his emotions by quietly helping him put on his shoes or showing him how something works. No discussions or lectures simply assist him. In some instances, you may have to remove the child from a situation, especially if he could possibly harm himself or another child.
- Develop a plan. Our middle child had terrible temper tantrums, almost up until school-age. We never gave into his tirades. Joshua rarely threw tantrums over not getting his way, but more out of frustration or when his internal clock was messed up. I learned that maintaining him, as much as possible, on a regular schedule for meals, snacks, playtime, and bedtime, helped to alleviate his frustrations. Be consistent in your responses and ask others (grandparents, babysitter) to follow your example.
- Define your expectations to your child. Be clear about how you expect your child to act in the store. “Today we are buying groceries, and but not candy.” Our children knew that if they asked in a whining tone, the answer was an automatic “no.” Teach young children words they can use to express their feelings, such as hungry, tired, mad or sad. Set consequences for tantrums—sitting in a “quiet down” chair, removing a toy or snack—and follow through on your warnings and rules.
- Demonstrate proper behavior. Above all, “let the peace of Christ rule your heart” (Colossians 3:15). Don’t stress out, raise your voice, or throw out phrases like, “You know better!” or “What were you thinking?” If a child could control his emotions enough to stop and “think” he wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum in the first place. Set the example of how to control anger and frustrations. Let your child know it’s okay to be upset, natural to be frustrated at times, and anger does happen. However, they need to know that it’s not okay to react with kicking, screaming, or any other uncivilized behavior. "In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26).
There is hope!
 Tantrums do cease; that is, if you have not given in to them and trained your child that they work. When Joshua was about four and half, he was listening to some kids’ music with big 80’s style headphones. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. When I asked him what was wrong he said, “I’m like Peter, Mommy. I get angry sometimes, but I want to love Jesus.” The song was about the story of Jesus asking Peter, “Do you love me?” Peter’s reply was, “Lord, you know I love you, but I get so angry sometimes.” From that day on, we began to see a dramatic decline in Joshua’s tantrums. We saw him catching himself when frustrated and he often asked for prayer instead of throwing a fit.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope, (Psalm 130:5).
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 All comments are moderated. There will be a delay before your comment appears below. Laura Christianson says: Hi Carla,
I'm glad you mentioned that not only toddlers, but teenagers (and moms) occasionally have tantrums. My almost 14-year-old had a meltdown yesterday (after a nearly 10-hour school day that included two hours of wrestling practice). After spending some time in his room (the teenage version of time-out), we talked it out and all is well.
I'm glad my hubby and I have presented a united front and have never given in to our kids' tantrums. Parents who coddle their children when they're in the middle of a tantrum -- just to avoid discomfort or public humiliation -- aren't doing their kids any favors.
While our kids still throw their emotional baggage around from time to time, they mainly do it to let off steam; they know that tantrum-throwing is not going to result in a reward from Mom or Dad.
I urge parents who are in those difficult toddler years to hang in there and be consistent in how you deal with tantrums. You'll be glad you set good boundaries once your kids reach teenagedom.
Carla says: Thanks for your comment Laura. I think teenage tantrums are harder to emotionally deal with for a mom than toddler ones. Toddler's you expect, but often a teen loses it for no apparent reason. Sounds like you understood that your son had a rough, long day and that there were other issues involved. Hang in there and thanks for your "spiritual mom" advice for moms. |
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