Carla's Weblog

Friendship: A Sample of God's Love

Mon, 8 Mar 2010 20:26:00 PST

One of my dearest friends is Cec Murphey. He was the keynote speaker at the Florida Christian Writers’ Conference this past week. I consider Cec a friend and mentor. He has been a big encourager to me in my writing career and life. He spoke on vulnerability and significance, and challenged us to let go of trying to be significant, but to surrender to the One who is the Significant. I’ve reviewed many of Cec's books on this blog and in my e-zine, so you may recall his name. I would encourage you to check out his books .

The best part of the week was seeing friends, such as Cec, who I only see at conferences. I think friendship is just a little sample of God’s love for us. It allows us to feel His comfort, encouragement, and admonishment, whatever we need at that moment in our lives. We meet many people in our lives, but a friend is a true gift.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, (Proverbs 18:24).

Let’s talk about friendships in the upcoming posts and how to teach our children to be good friends.

For now ask yourself:

What makes someone a “friend” or even a good friend?
What kind of friend am I? What kind of friend is my child to his or her playmates?
What is the difference between a friend and a mentor?

I’m looking forward to exploring this topic. Check out ChristianMomlogic. On my Wednesday blog posts we’re examining how to raise confident kids—ones who are not necessarily self-confident but God confident.

Have a great week!

Florida Christian Writers' Conference

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 00:35:00 PST

I'm in sunny, yet a little chilly Florida (depending on where you come from). I'm at the Florida Christian Writers' Conference where I hope to gather new resources for moms.

Check my Wednesday blog on Christian Momlogic. We're discussing how to raise confident children.

The Quiet Time Box : Learning through Spiritual Play

Mon, 1 Mar 2010 06:00:00 PST

One of my favorite things to share with young moms is The Quiet Time Box ™. I write about it in my books, articles, and blogs. I will teach about it again at the Northwest Christian Ministry Conference in a few weeks. But nothing thrills me more than to see my grandbabies learning about the Bible and Jesus through The Quiet Time Box™. My daughter-in-law sent me these pictures of the girls having a quiet time together, so course I want to blog about this program again.

Children grow and learn through play. It helps them learn about themselves and the world around them. Play is crucial to a child’s development—emotionally, physically, cognitively, and with The Quiet Time Box ™ routine, spiritually. Through play they learn to solve problems, share with others, strengthen learning styles, and develop fine and gross motor skills. “Playtime” with The Quiet Time Box ™ can help a child develop the following:

Fine and gross motor skills: The box includes puzzles, stacking cups, stuffed animals, and small toys, all of which help a child develop eye-hand coordination, reaching and grasping, tactile exploration, and physical skills.

Cognitive concepts: Children learn to solve problems and to reason. (Can you point to the color blue? Where does the puzzle piece fit?) With The Quiet Time Box ™ children learn colors, shapes, size, numbers, and letters. As they grow accustom to the routine, their attention span lengthens and they memorize the songs and games. They begin to move in a higher level of thinking because of the stimulating activities.

Language skills: Children in families that have a daily quiet time learn to talk clearer, count, sing, and ask questions at a very early age. They recite stories from the Bible, often adding their own slants and ideas.

Social skills: The routine encourages children to cooperate, take turns, sit reasonably still, and follow a routine.

Spiritual skills: The Quiet Time™ introduces very young children to biblical concepts and lessons. Starting the day with this routine teaches a child that time with God is highly important and beneficial. It instills a love for God and a desire to follow his will.

Watch a clip of my grandson having a quiet time.

Directions for the routine.

I will give a copy of my book As You Walk Along the Way* to anyone who leaves a question for the Ask Mom Thursday posts. I will include a Quiet Time Box ™ starter kit for the first two people who leave a question. Leave questions in the comment area, along with your email address.

*While the supply lasts.

Ask Mom: Clamping Down on Biting

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 22:16:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)

Dear Mom:

Help! My 2 year-old son bites his playmates! The church nursery doesn’t want him in Sunday school any longer. What can I do?

Biting is very common with toddlers and preschoolers. And it’s been my personal observation that boys tend to bite more than girls. Little guys, under 12 months explore with their mouths, and don’t understand the difference between gnawing on a toy and biting someone. A firm “no, biting” usually takes care of it. Around twelve months, infants start to realize they can get a reaction when they do something. They bang a spoon and it makes a noise. They bite their older sibling and they get a loud scream. A very popular YouTube video demonstrates this.

Toddlers and preschoolers bite more out of frustration or they are excited. They don’t have the skills yet to express their emotions and feelings. Children often bite because they feel tired, hungry, or stressed. A room full of preschoolers often causes a child to feel stressed and territorial, and biting is a way of releasing those emotions. Biting usually subsides once a child learns to express his feelings, but it cannot be taken lightly because it can be dangerous. It's tempting to want to bite the child to demonstrate how it feels. Trust me, don't go there, but here are a few suggestions instead:

1. Make an appointment with the Sunday school teacher (child care person) to discuss how you can work together to solve the problem. It’s important that you don’t draw too much attention to the biting, but deal with it consistently at home and away.

2. Figure out the reasons for the biting at the time. Is the child tired? Is there too much activity going on at the moment? Does the child want something another child has? Is the child bored or need some extra attention? Was the other child bullying, and the biter lashed out in self-preservation?

3. Watch for trigger situations that may lead to biting. Try to ward off the problem before it happens.

4. Act quickly. Tell your child immediately, “No, biting. Biting hurts.”

5. Remove the child to a time-out area.

6. Bring the biter back to ask forgiveness and to console the victim.

7. Teach the child words to express their feelings such as “I’m mad.” “I want that.” “Can I have a turn?”

In working on this blog post, I discovered that there are a lot of sites about biting. Apparently it’s one of the most common reasons kids are expelled from day care, so don’t feel your child is a monster because he is going through a biting stage.

Don't lose heart--the stage will pass. Above all “Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart," (Colossians 3:15).

Here are a couple of sites with more information:

http://www.ncac.gov.au/factsheets/biting.pdf

http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content3/biters.p.t.4.html

Related posts: Tame the Tantrums, My Child is a Whiner

The Character of a Spiritual Mentor

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:00:00 PST

Not all of us were blessed with a Christian mother. Many of us didn’t even have a loving mother who was actively involved in our lives. Maybe you are the only Christian in your family or perhaps your mother lives miles away. I’m very thankful that my sons and their wives live so close and work and worship with us. Just yesterday Timothy and I had the joy of watching our two granddaughters. I know many of my friends’ children live great distances away, and I have a rare gift to have mine own so close by. It also places a great responsibility and desire to mentor my daughters.

What is the character of a Spiritual Mentor or “Mom?”

In her Face-to-Face bible study series (New Hope) for mentors and mentees, Janet Thompson describes a mentor.

"A mentor doesn’t need to be an expert on the Bible or God, and she doesn’t need to have a perfect life. If that were the case, none of us would qualify. A mentor simply needs to be willing to share her life experiences with another woman and be an example of a role model of how a Christian woman does life. And how do we learn to be a godly role model? Answer: “Remember your leaders who taught you the word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and follow the example of their faith” (Hebrews 13:7 NLT).

Mentoring is not doing a ministry: It’s being a godly woman who follows the Lord’s command: “One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts” (Psalm 145:4)."

That’s what TheSpiritualMom.com is about—passing a spiritual legacy onto the next generation. Let me share with you my definitions or idea of a spiritual mentor.

A Spiritual Mentor or "Mom" is:

1. Purposeful. She takes her role as a mentor seriously and is determined to share her life with others. She’s not pushy, forcing relationships, but allows her mentees to accept and pursue the relationship as well. She prayerfully and continually mentors silently and outwardly, allowing the Holy Spirit to form and direct the relationship.

2. Transparent. While we’re not perfect, a godly woman aims for perfection (2 Cor. 13:11) and in doing so admits her weaknesses and sins. A spiritual mentor knows that confessing her struggles and sins provides her mentees healing and hope to deal with similar situations (James 5:16).

3. Discerning. She doesn’t have all the answers; in fact, she knows all wisdom comes from God (James 1:5). Her goal is to hear from God when giving advice and instructions. She looks for what God is up to in the other person’s life.

4. Relationship oriented. She first makes sure her relationship with God is strong and steadfast, and spends time each day building that relationship. She builds strong relationships with her family and other women."But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today" (Hebrews 3:13).

5. A reflection of the Holy Spirit. A spiritual mentor reflects the nurturing image of God through her counsel and comforting of those she mentors. She is crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20) so that others see him in her actions and words. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Cor. 3:18).

When Christ left this world he promised to never leave us alone and gave his Holy Spirit to those who obey him (Acts 5:32). When we surrender our hearts to the Spirit, he guides and directs us how to live in community with one another.

Related Post: What Makes a Spiritual Mom?; Blogging at Christian Momlogic; Biblical Truth in Ordinary Life

Ask Mom: How do you Tame the Tantrums?

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 22:29:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)

Yesterday I went shopping at Toys R’ Us ™ for my grand-kiddos. The store manager assisted me to the car—it wasn’t that I bought too much and couldn't carry it all ; the portable crib was heavy, okay? A little girl, probably about four years-old, was screaming and kicking as her father calmly led her to their car. The manager said, “That’s about how 90% of the kids leave our store.”

Ouch! Since last week we talked about whining, I thought this incident offered a perfect lead to discuss TANTRUMS! Young moms often ask me, “How can I keep my toddler from throwing a tantrum?”

Let’s face it, tantrums are part of life. Let me tell you a little secret, it’s not just toddlers who throw fits. Children of all ages have tantrums now and then. Teens sometimes slam doors and yell, “I hate you!” I have to confess, I’ve been known to go into a PM tirade myself from time-to-time. So how can we help our children to control their emotions, so as they mature, they can tame the tantrums? Here are some ideas:

Determine the cause. Toddlers, (18 months to 2 years) cannot express that they are tired, hungry, irritated, or any other feelings, so they tend to throw fits. A preschooler can developmentally communicate his feelings, but may still have tantrums—especially if you gave into his toddler tantrums. Fits of rage and frustration become more complicated and have deeper meaning as children grow older. A spiritual mom will rely on God for wisdom. Is your child dealing with school issues, jealousy, or peer pressure? During a calm time, ask questions to draw out your child’s emotions.

Don’t give in. He may hungry, but throwing a fit is not the way to communicate that fact. Turn away from your fit-thrower. If he doesn’t gain your attention, he will stop. Show him your endurance is longer than his. Stand your ground, even if you feel embarrassed in public or uncomfortable that others are annoyed. And by all means, do not give in, once you say no to something your child wants.

Decide the best action. Once you’ve determined the cause, you can decide how to intervene. There are the occasions when ignoring isn’t the best solution. For instance, if a child is frustrated, then ease his emotions by quietly helping him put on his shoes or showing him how something works. No discussions or lectures simply assist him. In some instances, you may have to remove the child from a situation, especially if he could possibly harm himself or another child.

Develop a plan. Our middle child had terrible temper tantrums, almost up until school-age. We never gave into his tirades. Joshua rarely threw tantrums over not getting his way, but more out of frustration or when his internal clock was messed up. I learned that maintaining him, as much as possible, on a regular schedule for meals, snacks, playtime, and bedtime, helped to alleviate his frustrations. Be consistent in your responses and ask others (grandparents, babysitter) to follow your example.

Define your expectations to your child. Be clear about how you expect your child to act in the store. “Today we are buying groceries, and but not candy.” Our children knew that if they asked in a whining tone, the answer was an automatic “no.” Teach young children words they can use to express their feelings, such as hungry, tired, mad or sad. Set consequences for tantrums—sitting in a “quiet down” chair, removing a toy or snack—and follow through on your warnings and rules.

Demonstrate proper behavior. Above all, “let the peace of Christ rule your heart” (Colossians 3:15). Don’t stress out, raise your voice, or throw out phrases like, “You know better!” or “What were you thinking?” If a child could control his emotions enough to stop and “think” he wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum in the first place. Set the example of how to control anger and frustrations. Let your child know it’s okay to be upset, natural to be frustrated at times, and anger does happen. However, they need to know that it’s not okay to react with kicking, screaming, or any other uncivilized behavior. "In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26).

There is hope!

Tantrums do cease; that is, if you have not given in to them and trained your child that they work. When Joshua was about four and half, he was listening to some kids’ music with big 80’s style headphones. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. When I asked him what was wrong he said, “I’m like Peter, Mommy. I get angry sometimes, but I want to love Jesus.” The song was about the story of Jesus asking Peter, “Do you love me?” Peter’s reply was, “Lord, you know I love you, but I get so angry sometimes.” From that day on, we began to see a dramatic decline in Joshua’s tantrums. We saw him catching himself when frustrated and he often asked for prayer instead of throwing a fit.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope, (Psalm 130:5).

Parenting Expert, Brenda Nixon

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:00:00 PST

Brenda Nixon, will open her phone lines every TUESDAY in MARCH for live, parent call-in questions on The Parent's Plate radio show. The call is free and she will answer questions on air 877-864-4869. Anything from teething and toddlers to teen behavior are welcome!

The Parent's Plate radio show airs live every Tuesday 10-11 AM(ET) and a podcast of each show is archived at www.toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate. Any parent can get his/her questions answered every TUESDAY in MARCH at 10 a.m. .

Brenda Nixon, M.A., is a speaker whose mission is to build stronger families through parent empowerment. She is the auhtor of the award-winning book The Birth to Five Book (Revell) .

Brenda is a wonderful gal and friend, with unending ideas and energy for parents.

Ask Mom: Help--My Child is a Whiner!

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:00:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)

Dear Mom:
My preschooler whines a lot when she wants something, now I see it happening in my toddler—how do you stop the “whinnies?”

Help! Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Whining is a very common problem with children of all ages—and adults for that matter. If your preschooler is whining excessively, the chances are you have given in way too much. No doubt the younger sibling has quickly learned that whining works and you may be giving in too much with him or her as well. If you whine or complain when things don’t go the way you hoped, your children will imitate that behavior.

Giving into whining at any point, after ten minutes or even days, teaches a child she can win. The biggest problem with whining is that if not stopped early—at the stage of your children are now—it can lead to serious problems later. Parenting expert Michele Borba Ed.D, in her book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, emphasizes the importance of intervening and stopping whining as soon as possible.

“Most experts say that whining almost never stops without parental intervention. In fact, the rare kids you do stop on their own usually do so because they’ve found more efficient ways of getting their needs met—and those ways may include lying, stealing, or sneaking out after hours, or even more destructive behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse. So take this behavior seriously and stay committed to making this change happen.”

A whining child, who eventually gets what he wants, will continue to crave more. As Christian parents, we want our children to be “godly” right? What good is it if they do all the right Christian things, but are not content?

But godliness with contentment is great gain, (1 Timothy 6:6)

Try these tips for dealing with whining:

Teach your child to use a “nice voice.” Toddlers whine because they want attention and using a whining tone works. Show your child the difference between an annoying, whiny tone and a normal one. Ask the child to “talk nice,” and do not give in until she does. Don’t make fun of your child’s tone of voice, but demonstrate the difference, and then practice together. Thank you and praise your child for using a “nice voice.”

Don’t give in, and instruct others to do the same. If you give in after any period of time, your child will learn where your breaking point is and whine longer next time. Your preschooler may have something your toddler wants, and so in order to shut little brother or sister up, the older sibling gives into the younger one. Such behavior only reinforces whining. I have to watch myself not to give into my grandchildren. I’m amazed sometimes how lenient I’ve become in my old age—the privileges of being a grandparent, but harmful to my grandchildren.

Designate a “Whining Chair.” When our kids were little, the time-out corner was reserved for other misbehavior, but we had a “whining chair” where all whiners went. Once they were in elementary school, the whining started again—as it does at all ages and stages—and we had a “No Whining” button that the whiner had to wear. That stopped the whining really quickly.

Make the answer an automatic “no” when whining is involved. This was our standard rule, which worked extremely well with our kids. We flatly refused if they asked with whining tones—and did not give in, unless there was a definite change of heart, not just tone of voice.

Ignore the whine and definitely do not overreact. It’s really easy to lose your cool after several minutes of whining. Turn away when a child whines. Respond as soon as the whining stops. Stay calm, and don’t look or act irritated, no matter how much you what to scream. Leave the room, sing, or do something, to keep you distracted from the whining.

Deal with your child’s impatience. Whining often occurs when you are doing something and not focused on your child. Children have a sixth sense when you pick up the phone, even if they are contently playing in another room. Before the whining starts, gently motion to your child that you will be with her in a few minutes. Tell her that you will listen to her when you are off the phone or finished doing whatever you are doing. This will often stop the whining before it starts.

One of my favorite mottos in child-rearing is “this too shall pass.” Unfortunately, that is not true for whining. This behavior is form of grumbling and complaining, and we know what happened to the Israelites when they whined in the desert. We certainly do not want our children wandering apart from God as they grow up.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, (Philippians 2:14-15).

A Rough Day

Mon, 8 Feb 2010 05:00:00 PST

My three-year-old granddaughter, Eppie, has a new phrase, “I had a wough day. She doesn’t have her “r” sound mastered yet, but I’m sure she has heard an adult talk about “having a rough day.” Her daddy laughs, asking her, “Just how bad a day could you possibly have had?”

(Granny, can confer, that in this picture, she HAD had a bad night, battling with a high fever. She was uncharateristically cuddly. )

We all have days when everything seems to go wrong, right? The “spilt milk” sorts of things that occur every day are sometimes harder to find joy in than the major trials. My frustration levels rise when circumstances do not go exactly the way I planned. I fuss and fret, usually causing more minor catastrophes. My husband says that things going wrong, like dropping something and breaking it, or the washing machine overflowing, or a flat tire, are all reminders that we live in a fallen world.

Small struggles provide the opportunity to rejoice and learn perseverance. They prepare me for the bigger trials that might lie ahead. They also give me an opportunity to realize that my trials are minor compared to what others face, for instance, in places like Haiti.

Illness, accidents, wars, poverty, injustice, hunger, crime, and floods surround us. Such things may cause us to blame God. Why does God allow such things to occur? In fact, we are correct in blaming God. God is to blame. Since man chose to sine, God had to allow pain and suffering in the world. Fortunately, he created death and limits our days. However, this doesn’t mean that he is guilty or unjust for allowing these things.

If the Lord had not cut short those days, no one would survive. But for the sake of the elect, whom he has chosen, he has shortened them, (Mark 13:20).

In the midst of this suffering God sent his Son to tell us that “God is love.” But how can a God of love allow such evil and destruction? He allows such things to occur so that we might humble ourselves and repent. God placed each of us in our life situation, whether good or bad, so that we might seek him (Acts 17:26-27).

In the deepest of love and wisdom, God permits every injustice and suffering so that we might see our need to depend on him. Even if it does not happen directly to us God hopes we will learn by observation. This truth may seem unpleasant, but if understood and accepted leads to a deep eternal joy. It’s a lesson we can teach our children while they are young.

So the next time you have a “wough” day, ask God for wisdom. He will show you clearly the purpose of your trials. Persevering through trials and sufferings teaches us how God works. Each time we pass through a trial we can look back and learn new lessons. Then with this new wisdom we can face the next trial.

Ask Mom: Internet Addiction

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 05:00:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)
Dear Spiritual Mom:

My child wants to play video games constantly. I’m afraid he might be addicted. How can I keep him from overdosing on the internet?

It’s amazing how fast technology changes. When our kids were school age, my husband ran a bulletin board system and access to the internet was non-existent. Today the amount of time kids, young children and teens, spend online is a great concern for many parents. In addition to dealing with overuse, there are many dangers that parents must be aware of such as pornography and online predators. Unfortunately, parents are not usually aware there is a problem until a child is seriously addicted.

Ask these questions to determine if your child has an internet problem or not.

How long are the stretches of time your child spends online (for example, two to four hours)?

Can your child easily stop and not become restless if not online?

Have you noticed mood swings?

Does your child have interest in other activities besides online ones?

Does your child lie about the time spent on the internet? Does he try to cover it up?

Is he having problem with school or with homework?

Does your child have physical signs such as carpal tunnel syndrome, dry eyes, headaches, back aches, skipping meals?

Does your child prefer spending time on the computer over spending time with friends and family?

Finding a healthy balance
Since most kids will find a way to get online, and computers are an important part of our society, it would be unreasonable to do away with it completely. The key is to teach children not be mastered by the internet.

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything,” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Here are a few things you can do:

Pray with your child about using the Internet. Discuss the amount of time, type of activities, and schedules that are appropriate. Allow your child to make some of these decisions with your guidance.

Once guidelines are set, keep them in place. Statistics show that kids who don’t have Internet rules spend 95 % more time online than kids who do. Examine your own habits. How much time do you spend online? Does your child see you choosing to chat with friends on Facebook over spending time with him?

Keep the computer in an open part of the house, not in your child’s bedroom. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin, (1 John 1:7).

Invest in software that restricts Internet use and logs the time spent on the computer and what it’s used for, and update regularly. Our family has used several different types. Ultimately you want to teach your child self control and accountability, but this is a safe guard.

Find activities that you can do with your child or as a family, both online and off.

If you feel your child has a deeper problem, seek professional help.
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed, (Proverbs 15:22).

Teach your child “the man who fears God will avoid all extremes, (Ecclesiastes 7:18). Instill a concern for to obey God. Ask, "Would God want you to spend three hours on the computer? What else could you do?"

Most importantly, don’t fret. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil, (Psalm 37:8). Work through this your child, and use it to steer him to rely on God more.

How has your family dealt with Internet overuse? Leave a comment and share how your family overcomes this problem.

Resources: Web-Savvy Kids; Enough-is-Enough