Carla's Weblog

Ask Mom: Internet Addiction

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 05:00:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)
Dear Spiritual Mom:

My child wants to play video games constantly. I’m afraid he might be addicted. How can I keep him from overdosing on the internet?

It’s amazing how fast technology changes. When our kids were school age, my husband ran a bulletin board system and access to the internet was non-existent. Today the amount of time kids, young children and teens, spend online is a great concern for many parents. In addition to dealing with overuse, there are many dangers that parents must be aware of such as pornography and online predators. Unfortunately, parents are not usually aware there is a problem until a child is seriously addicted.

Ask these questions to determine if your child has an internet problem or not.

How long are the stretches of time your child spends online (for example, two to four hours)?

Can your child easily stop and not become restless if not online?

Have you noticed mood swings?

Does your child have interest in other activities besides online ones?

Does your child lie about the time spent on the internet? Does he try to cover it up?

Is he having problem with school or with homework?

Does your child have physical signs such as carpal tunnel syndrome, dry eyes, headaches, back aches, skipping meals?

Does your child prefer spending time on the computer over spending time with friends and family?

Finding a healthy balance
Since most kids will find a way to get online, and computers are an important part of our society, it would be unreasonable to do away with it completely. The key is to teach children not be mastered by the internet.

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything,” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Here are a few things you can do:

Pray with your child about using the Internet. Discuss the amount of time, type of activities, and schedules that are appropriate. Allow your child to make some of these decisions with your guidance.

Once guidelines are set, keep them in place. Statistics show that kids who don’t have Internet rules spend 95 % more time online than kids who do. Examine your own habits. How much time do you spend online? Does your child see you choosing to chat with friends on Facebook over spending time with him?

Keep the computer in an open part of the house, not in your child’s bedroom. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin, (1 John 1:7).

Invest in software that restricts Internet use and logs the time spent on the computer and what it’s used for, and update regularly. Our family has used several different types. Ultimately you want to teach your child self control and accountability, but this is a safe guard.

Find activities that you can do with your child or as a family, both online and off.

If you feel your child has a deeper problem, seek professional help.
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed, (Proverbs 15:22).

Teach your child “the man who fears God will avoid all extremes, (Ecclesiastes 7:18). Instill a concern for to obey God. Ask, "Would God want you to spend three hours on the computer? What else could you do?"

Most importantly, don’t fret. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil, (Psalm 37:8). Work through this your child, and use it to steer him to rely on God more.

How has your family dealt with Internet overuse? Leave a comment and share how your family overcomes this problem.

Resources: Web-Savvy Kids; Enough-is-Enough

New Resource from Hearts at Home

Mon, 1 Feb 2010 05:00:00 PST

I am excited to share a fun opportunity with you!

To celebrate the release of ">Hearts at Home’s newest book: ">Living With Less So Your Family Has More, by Jill and Mark Savage, the Hearts at Home blog is launching the Living with Less Contest.

Email Hearts at Home a story or money-saving tip that gives a peek into your daily experiences representing the humor, richness, or spiritual aspects of what it’s like to live with less.

Better yet, blog readers will benefit as many of the money-saving entries will be posted on the ">Heart’s blog throughout the month of February!

For contest details go here! ">here!

Ask Mom: What makes a Spiritual Mom?

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:33:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)

What makes a Spiritual Mom?

This is a question I am often asked by women when speaking at events or conferences. Many times women ask, "How can I become a spiriitual mom?" Or "Will you be my spiritual mom?"

Many of us did not have a mother who nurtured or guided us, so we feel a need for a spiritual role model. This has led to a mentoring movement that encourages women to connect. While of great benefit, a lot of mentoring today is done over the internet. I love blogging and connecting with women through Christian Momlogic. What makes us “spiritual moms,” in person and virtually?

A spiritual mom understands that:

she is nothing apart from Christ

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified (1 Cor. 2:2).

her wisdom and women’s intuition are foolishness

Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? (1 Cor. 1:20)

her fleshly love counts for nothing

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life, (John 6:63).

she must only speak, act, and behave as her Father directs

"I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does," (John 5:19).

above all allow the Holy Spirit must work through her

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit, (Galatians 5:25).

Because she relies on the Holy Spirit she:

has courage and strength

Her arms are strong for her task; she has no fear for her household (Pro. 31: 17, 21).

comforts others as God has comforted her

. . .we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Cor. 1:4).

Has wisdom and counsel beyond her years and experience

Wisdom makes one wise man more powerful than ten rulers in a city (Ecc. 7:19).

Patently waits for God to act in her children—especially when they break her heart

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes, (Psalm 37:7).

Intercedes for her family, friends, and the world before men and God

Pray for us, (1 Thess. 5:25).

Presents her children perfect before God

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ, (Col. 1:28).

Am I a “spiritual mom?” I hope so. Each day I ask God to fill me more with his Sprit that I might reflect his image. I fail miserably at times, but God is faithful to remind me that am nothing and he is All.

Taking a Sabbath Rest

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:00:00 PST

Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest (Exodus 34:21)

Yesterday Timothy encouraged me to take a “real” Sabbath—to rest on the couch and watch an old movie or read a book. I call my hubby by “stress barometer,” because he always knows when my stress level reaches its peak. I resisted at first—“This week calendar is super packed and I want to write my blogs ahead of time.” Blogging isn’t “work” was my excuse. But it didn’t take long for me to realize he was right. How could I have anything to say if I my cup was so empty? It was the "Sabbath" after all.

God felt so serious about the Sabbath that anyone who worked on that day was put to death (Ex. 31:15). Experts today tell us that stress and overwork contribute to a leading cause of heart disease, cancer, and ultimately early death. Maybe God was trying to warn us of the effects of not resting with this strict commandment.

Many years ago I read about a medical technique used for healing a damaged heart. A surgeon attaches a special pump to the candidate’s heart allowing blood to flow through it and throughout the body. The ill heart rests for at least twenty-four hours while the mechanical pump does all the work. Amazingly the heart can become healthy, and even normal, during this period. Just a few short hours of rest can strengthen a weak, failing heart. God desires for our emotional and spiritual hearts to be at rest. Refusing to take a Sabbath rest can damage or even stop our spiritual hearts from beating.

We all have our own periods of “plowing season,” or life’s busiest times. Even then God expects us to stop and regroup and reenergize our bodies and minds. For some of us—like myself—this might seem impossible sometimes. We cannot let go of our work; we hang on, even if only in our thoughts. We work and work, trying to squeeze out every minute of the day. By taking a Sabbath we might realize how much more productive we could be if we turn our cares and worries and labor over to God for his guidance and blessing.

A person with a damaged heart may be destined to a life of misery, pain, and even death. But a spiritual heart that rests in the presence of God receives healing. Yesterday I rested and energized my body and my heart. Today I feel energized and ready to remain in his Rest, even in the midst of my labor.

Ask Mom: Teach Children to be Organized

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:00:00 PST

(Wisdom) is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her, (Proverbs 3:15)

My blog posts on Christian Momlogic the past two Wednesdays have been on becoming more organized. So let’s look today how to help our children be more organized. Timothy and I had been married less than three years, and had a two-year-old, when we became house parents for a group home for mentally disabled adult men. Most of our wards had two decades on our young ages—we were twenty-one and twenty-two. I had to learn organization skills extremely quickly and extensively. Little did we know that this would be “seminary” for the ministry God planned for us—sharing our home with over a hundred people during a thirty-year-span.

Since we usually had at least three children besides our own three sons, and three or four adults living with us at a time, I had to be organized. Teaching the kids to be organized wasn’t only a desire, it was a must. First let’s look at why it’s important to teach children organizational skills.

Good time management and decision making skills are crucial for success in life. If a child lacks these skills he will more than likely fail at school and later in his career.

If a child is disorganized and cannot make healthy decisions independently, he could make bad choices that could alter the course of his life.

A scattered child will feel stressed and will have a hard time trusting the Lord. God is a God of order and our children need to learn to fall under his order.

Here are five things to remember when helping your child gain organizational skills:

1. Start early. A toddler can learn to pick up their toys. Sorting is an important preschool skill, so divide blocks, cars, and other small objects into colored bins.

2. Develop schedules. Designate times for chores, homework, bath time, and family time. Stick to these schedules as much as possible. Our children came home from school and had fifteen minutes of prayer time, snacks, a few chores, then homework, with time to spare for playing before dinner.

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom, (Psalm 90:12).

3. Allow your child to make decisions. Give toddlers and preschoolers choices in what they wear. As they grow older discuss with them about friendship choices and how they use their time. Such decisions can set the course for the rest of their lives. Reason with your child and ask questions to help them come with answers and solutions.

4. Use checklists and charts. Train your child in the habit of making “Next Action” lists. Post chore lists, schedules, and reminders of what to take to school. Provide your child with a small notepad to jot down things they need to remember.

5. Be dressed and ready. Have your child make sure they have everything—homework, backpacks, lunches—ready for the next day before going to bed. We trained our kids to lay out their clothes for the next day. Our teen girls helped with dinner preparation, together we looked over the next day’s menu and did prep work whenever possible.

Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him, (Luke 12:35-36).

Proverbs 31: A Grand Lady or Simply a Good Housekeeper?

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 05:00:00 PST

Recently I returned to Proverbs 31 to reexamine my heart and life against the holy example of the wife of noble character. That particular passage has more highlights and notes than any other in my bible. There are scribbles dated as far back as the late 80’s, marking new insights to apply in my life.

Recently I was reminded that many women try to live up to this standard, but feel discouraged when they fail miserably. I’m afraid we go about it backwards. We think that if we successfully and consistently do everything in Prov. 31, we'll turn into beautiful princesses, respected and loved by our husbands and children and everyone around us. Nothing is further from reality.

Why does her husband have full confidence in her? Because she’s a great cook and seamstress, or knows how to wheel and deal and save for a rainy day? I don’t think so. Verse 29 states that many women do noble things, but this gal surpasses them all. Why?

One important simple difference—she fears the Lord.

She is decent and gracious because her trust is in God. She doesn’t fret that she will accomplish everything on her lengthy to-do list—she’s confident she will. She has learned the secret of planning her daily course, but sets aside her plans so God can direct her steps (Proverbs 16:9). On the other hand, she doesn’t brush away the needs of her family, but faithfully trusts God for the strength and time to finish everything. The oil in her lamp comes from the Holy Spirit so it never goes out.

One of the sweetest things God ever showed me in scripture was how wisdom and a wife of noble character were alike. I have so far to go, but I want my husband and children to equate me with wisdom, not a clean house or new clothes.

Challenge:

Open your bible to Proverbs 31:10-31 and compare it to the following passage.

(Proverbs 3:13-18) Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

Are you holding the distaff of a long life in one hand and honor in another? Or do you fret too much over your to-do list? Ask yourself, as I do, "Am I a a wise woman of noble character or simply a good housekeeper?"

"Mom's Friends" Blog has Started!

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 05:00:00 PST

I have a new blog spot called The Spiritual Mom's Friends. Here I will reguarly post book reviews and information about Christian authors. This page will link to The Salt Shaker Bookstore, where you may order these books and discover other great resources. My son Joshua Williams runs this charming little shop in Enumclaw, WA. This blog spot gives me the opportunity to spread the news about good Christian books and resources.

Carla & Gayle Roper

I've been in the Christian publishing industry since the late 1980's. I've directed or assisted directed many writer's conferences and have belonged to several writing groups. During this time, I've had the opportunity to meet many writers and editors personally. Attending conferences every year in behalf of WinePress Publishing allows me to see these special friends annually and sometimes more often. This gives me the latest news on what's happening in the Christian market.
My new blog spot will give me a chance to bless my fellow writers and spread the news about their books. I will also share tidbits about them personally and photos of our times together. I will continue to blog here on parenting and women's issues, but I hope you enjoy this new feature as well.

May these resources bless you and "keep your mind on things above."

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, (Colossians 3:2).

Ask Mom: Sibling War Zone

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 08:20:00 PST

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him, (James 1:5).
Remember, God is the source of all wisdom.

Dear Spiritual Mom,
My children love to tease each other, but sometimes they cross the line and someone inevitably ends up in tears or at least extremely angry yelling, "STOP IT." I want my kids to be able to handle some fun criticism. How do I help them take the teasing and not cross the line?
Sincerely,
Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Sorry, but it’s a fact. Siblings will tease and fight—about anything and everything. Once I asked an eight year-old why she teased her ten-year-old brother so much. She instantly replied, “Because it’s so much fun! He’s so funny when he’s mad!”

Several years ago I wrote a series of blogs on Sibling Rivalry. Check those out for specific ways to deal with certain personality traits that cause rivalry. In this blog, let’s zero in on teasing.

Do not expect maturity. Parents often lament that the younger sibling is the instigator of the teasing, but the older child acts younger. Parents tend to want the older child to act more mature, but that rarely happens. I’ve often observed that the five-year-old will act like the three-year-old, and a sixteen-year-old boy will suddenly turn twelve when his younger brother pokes at him. In the middle of a squabble is not the time to remind the older child he needs to “act his age.” Bring your expectations down during this heated period. Later, when things are calm and forgotten, talk to the older child about the role of an older sibling.

Direct your children to stand up for themselves. Kids are going to face teasing at school and on the playground. Learning to stand up against a sibling prepares them for harder blows from peers. Suggest ways to react when they are teased—join in the teasing, ignore comments, and make a joke. Discuss why the tease caused a reaction and help your child realize his own hot spots and deal with them beforehand. Maybe he wants his older brother’s attention. Or maybe the older child needs some space.

Determine your child’s reasons for teasing. Does one child seem to be the primary instigator? Does that child have a “mean streak” and is he a bully? Maybe the teaser needs some extra attention. Or maybe the child is simply bored, and needs your guidance to occupy his time. Maybe a revenge factor is occurring.

Decide why your child overreacted to the tease. If a child does not react to a initial teasing remark, it’s guaranteed their siblings will push until they gain the desired behavior. Help your child know when to “walk away” so she doesn’t overreact. There may be other factors involved. Perhaps your child is tired or overstressed, so a little tease becomes a big one in her mind. We all have “bad days.” Encourage your children to be sensitive to one another during those times.

Don’t over react yourself—but if you do, laugh about it. I recall a very exhausting move across the country, in which anything that could go wrong did—right down to the hamster dying. We were on the last stretch when our three boys started teasing one another and having a food fight with their French fries and milk shakes. (I know, but I didn’t care at that point—just feed them.) Of course, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. I finally reached my boiling level and yelled, “Kill each other! I don’t care anymore!” Dead silence. Suddenly, we all busted out laughing. All the tension from the trip floated away. We prayed and asked God to help us get along, and then sang songs and finished off our trip.

Obviously, if siblings didn’t react to one another, then there would be no teasing—and what a boring family you might have. Not all squabbles are detrimental. There is usually some truth to a tease. Revealing each other's weaknesses helps us to trust God and overcome them. Teasing gives kids a chance to test their boundaries, to assert themselves, and negotiate in an environment that is safe and forgiving. The secret is to make sure that they learn to love, respect, and forgive one another in the process.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you, (Colossians 3:13).

Lift Your Standards High--and keep them there!

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:00:00 PST

“I want my sweet baby back!” is the sentiment expressed by many parents when discussing the behavioral changes of their children. When preteens or teens start to balk against restraints placed on them, parents often ease up on family rules and standards in the hope of establishing “peace at all cost.”

We live in at time where few believe in moral absolutes and whatever feels good or works for you is okay. Several years ago, Barna Research Group found that only “one out of ten of our country’s born again teenagers believe in absolute moral truth—a statistic that is nearly identical to that of non-born again teens.”

Children need boundaries. Hemming them in with God’s values helps children to think twice when they make decisions in their lives. As Psalm 139:5 says, “You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.” Let’s look at a few areas we can raise high the banner of our standards.

Dress-Codes: It’s tempting to write off the way our kids dress as a “phase” all children go through. What our children choose to wear often reflects their attitudes. While speaking at a conference, I noticed a girl with purple streaked hair, wearing a t-shirt with the slogan “Girl’s Rule,” and she had a definite attitude. Her parents confided they were at their wits end dealing with her. Their daughter had been expelled from school for shoving two classmates down a flight of stairs. When I pointed out that the shirt reflected her attitude, her parents argued that they couldn’t possibly instruct her how to dress without a starting a huge battle. Some battles are worth fighting.

Entertainment: Communicate to your children the importance of a pure heart and mind. What kinds of things fill your child’s mind? How much time do they spend on their cell phones or in front of the computer? One family decided to fast from television for two weeks during their vacation. Returning refreshed, they expressed that it was the first time they had not spent the entire break “glued to the TV.” They hiked, read, and communicated with one another. The entire family agreed it was the best vacation they ever had and decided to carefully choose what they viewed after their fast.

Music: Very few parents agree with their children’s choice of music. Therefore the decision cannot be based on likes or dislikes. Rather than setting your standards on your children’s or your own taste in music, look to God’s Word. Listen to your child’s music and discuss why or why not you think this music is acceptable before God. Music is powerful and nothing moves a person more.

So how do we give our children room to grow and make decisions without the risk of lowering godly standards? We can start by checking our own values. What attitudes do we demonstrate to our children regarding moral principles? Do we keep our standards high and reflect holiness in our language, dress, and behavior? Children learn by observing. If they see us having a “whatever feels good” attitude they will naturally follow our example.

Discussing your standards and teaching our children that there are indeed moral absolutes can help prevent a lot of frustration and battles. Children feel safer when they have boundaries, but will naturally try to test them. Keeping the lines intact and based on biblical standards conveys that, not only are you trustworthy and steadfast in your love, but God’s Word is true.

You more than likely ignored or disciplined your toddler when he threw a tantrum because you set boundaries to protect him. The same determination is needed when your teen rebels against your standards. In reality parents do not really want their “sweet baby back.” We hope our children will grow into responsible, God fearing adults. Lifting the standard banner high in our homes and keeping it securely in place and can bring a peace that passes all understanding.

Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you, (2 Corinthians 6:17)

Dealing with a Finicky Eater

Fri, 8 Jan 2010 01:30:00 PST

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5).

Before the holidays I started answering questions about how to feed finicky babies and children. Today's blog picks up this discussion.

Dear Mom:
Should I force my picky eater to eat everything on his plate?

Ask yourself these questions. Do you ever find yourself regretting dinnertime, knowing that you will more than likely face a battle? Have you succumbed to preparing two different meals each night—one for your family and one for your child? Is it worth fighting with your child?

Every family has at least one picky eater and all children are finicky at one time or another as their taste buds form and grow accustom to new flavors and textures. worth fighting with your child to eat. Think about this passage:

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife, (Proverbs 17:1).

Yes, our family had a full-fledge picky eater who often tired to be our dinner show. But my husband and I decided that there was much more peace when we simply didn’t let it bother us. Up until just a few years ago, I was fixing dinners for twelve to eighteen people every night. Our dinner table was a time for fellowship not war. So I learned not to fret over whether my children ate enough or not, and simply served the meal and let them decide whether they wanted to eat or not. Does this mean that we catered to their whims? Certainly not! We were still in charge.

I recalled one dinner meal when our picky eater had spent the night before at a friend from church’s house. This little guy was allowed to openly rebel against eating what was put before him, making himself gag. My picky eater tried that one time—well, let just say he learn to be more content. I’ve blogged before about Joshua’s song “Here at the Table.” He was our picky eater. A child will not starve if he misses a meal. Our kids went to bed with little empty tummies when they said they were not hungry or refused to eat what I prepared for dinner. To find out some ideas that worked for our family, check out my article “Winning the Food Fight.”